Tuesday, July 6, 2010

July 6, 2010

Dear Bloggy,

Today I had a lot of pent-up worrying.

I started thinking about BYU and my sophomore year. A lot.

I'm thinking about the person I want to be. The kind of friends I want to try to make. The kind of boys I want to date. The kind of relationship with my roommates I hope to have. The type of job I hope to get.

And I'm also thinking about how to make the most of the rest of my summer, what will make me feel like I'm being smart with my time and fulfilling something.

And I had this peculiar fear come over me today. I feel like I have no confidence in myself, which is odd because I personally have seen myself as quite self-assured. I had no drive or motivation to accomplish anything, although my mind was screaming to go try to accomplish everything.

Well, I accomplished something today. I did several weeks worth of my laundry, and I read my scriptures longer today.

But I was hoping to learn a whole page of Rachmoninoff, run four miles, drop an application off at Milanos, read Les Miserables for an hour in addition to what I actually did accomplish. So today I kind of felt like a failure and a bum. So I knelt down and prayed and asked how I could make the rest of my day resourceful.

Well, then I remembered what happened yesterday. My soon-to-be Angie had a texting conversation with me. And my room-roommate Kinley just got a boyfriend today, who I think is an Return Missionary, so not only do I don't know what she's like, but I have a feeling I am not going to see much of her anyway. And then I started thinking about next school year.

And that's when I realized my confidence and attitude are bad and I need to fix them up before I get back. I'm really looking forward to being independent again, just hoping I can get my attitude as good as it was.

Your Friend,

Song: Dance Anthem of the 80's - Regina Spektor
Mood: Insecure?
Random Fact About Me: I don't like the color pink, I can't stand to wear it, and I am still trying to figure out why young girls love it so much - I blame society.

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